1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:05,000
Festive greetings all round. I'm getting into the spirit this year.

2
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:09,000
It'll be hard cos I'll be at my parents', where for three days they

3
00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:13,000
will find things "fun" that aren't "fun" at any other time of the year,

4
00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:17,000
and we'll be bound by Mum's Christmas organisational chart.

5
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:19,000
Happy face!

6
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:21,000
Darling, your father's here...

7
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:24,000
Ha-ha-ha!

8
00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:26,000
Look, my fun tinsel tie.

9
00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:28,000
Isn't that such fun?

10
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:32,000
Hang on, let me turn on my fun Christmas socks.

11
00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:35,000
TINNY MUSIC

12
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,000
Kill me.

13
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:43,000
I wish I could stay at home. That might sound depressing,

14
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:46,000
but I've never denied how much fun I have living alone.

15
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:58,000
But there's a definite festive positive. I've made up with Gary, which is a relief for everyone.

16
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:01,000
Everything OK? Yes, fine. Yes.

17
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:06,000
Apart from the fact that you married someone for a green card, so have potato for hair...

18
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,000
Oh, Miranda...

19
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:17,000
I've got Gary a great gift this year so he'll know I've forgiven him. Done all my shopping online.

20
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:19,000
Delivery will arrive today. Genius.

21
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:23,000
Right, on with the merriment my chums. Cue festive titles.

22
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:38,000


23
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:42,000


24
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:44,000
Happy Christmas Eve eve.

25
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:45,000
Happy Christmas Eve eve. Ooh.

26
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:48,000
Advent calendar. Ooh, can I?

27
00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:49,000
Together?

28
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:52,000
Ah. Where's the chocolate?

29
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:54,000
Where's the chocolate?

30
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:57,000
Eaten on the first day of purchase.

31
00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:02,000
Who can sit in a room day after day when there are little chocolates behind windows, not remove them,

32
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:06,000
eat them, then replace the windows like nothing ever happened? I can.

33
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:09,000
Because you're an actual and literal tiny little weirdo.

34
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:12,000
When you go to your parents', can you take my case?

35
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:15,000
Yeah. I've been thinking, I think I might try and get out of it.

36
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:18,000


37
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:21,000
I mean, wouldn't it be great to have Christmas exactly how we wanted it?

38
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39
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:26,000
No Christmas chart, no sign reading,

40
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"Please unwrap your presents neatly so I can iron the wrapping paper and save it for next year."

41
00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:34,000
No constant weather reports from Dad.

42
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,000
No, I will have to try and get out of it.

43
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Trouble is, Mum can pre-empt any excuse and will just talk straight over me.

44
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:44,000
Hmm, we'll be going then. Good, cos I can't wait to experience it.

45
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:48,000
Right, just going to open the shop. Oh, will you keep an eye out for my parcel?

46
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:51,000
It's all my presents. Cos I've got to nip to the doctors, cos, um,

47
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:54,000
well, have you ever had a rash on your breast?

48
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:57,000
I don't know what you're saying and I don't wish to know. Fine, OK.

49
00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:59,000
MUM AND DAD: Ho, ho, ho!

50
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:00,000
Oh, no.

51
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:02,000
Hello, poppet. Stevie...

52
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:04,000
Suitcase!

53
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:08,000
Can't think where you get your clumsiness from.

54
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:11,000
Isn't it cold outside? Freezing, isn't it?

55
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:12,000
I hope not.

56
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:17,000
Because if that snow turns to slush, we'll get black ice.

57
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:20,000
Absolute death trap. I think we ought to head back pronto.

58
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:23,000
Plus I don't want to miss You've Been Framed.

59
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:29,000
Girls, I've chosen something for you for my Best Christmas Jumper Party tonight. Oh, Mum, don't.

60
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:33,000
Listen, about Christmas, Stevie and I... So we'll get the costumes and pick you up at the restaurant later.

61
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:36,000
We were thinking... We've got pink champagne. Told you, so annoying.

62
00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:40,000
No, the thing is, Mum... You'll get sozzled, we'll decorate the tree. I've got great baubles,

63
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:45,000
and you can do the fairy. Such fun, such fun. Such fun, such fun! Don't do that. Mum! Mum!

64
00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:51,000
Mum! Such fun! No, the thing is...about Christmas... Such fun, such fun! Nice try, poppet.

65
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:52,000
Suitcase. Coming.

66
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:57,000
"Such fun!"

67
00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:00,000
Oh...

68
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,000
KNOCKING

69
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:04,000
Come in, sit down.

70
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,000
Wowzers.

71
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,000
Sorry? Nothing.

72
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:18,000
So, how can I help? Are you married? Shush.

73
00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:21,000
Sorry, I actually thought I was getting a female doctor.

74
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,000
Ah, they said Doctor Gail. That's my surname.

75
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:26,000
Miranda Gail. Hmm?

76
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:26,000
What?

77
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,000
What? Sorry? Nothing.

78
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:32,000
So, are you happy with me?

79
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,000
Very.

80
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:39,000
Yes, it's just I'm actually here about a female part... but, um, it's all just anatomical to you, right?

81
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:42,000
Of course, of course, don't worry. So what's the problem?

82
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:46,000
Well, it's not really a problem, more of a feature.

83
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:51,000
You see, it's my right breast.

84
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,000
I've got a sort of rash on it,

85
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:58,000
and because the rash was on my breast I thought I better get it checked, you see.

86
00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:00,000
No problem. Let's have a look.

87
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,000
Sure.

88
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,000
SHE WHISTLES

89
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:12,000
Well, I don't think that's anything to worry about.

90
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:16,000
Sorry.

91
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:28,000
Now, did you eat anything unusual and then notice it? Do you have any nut allergies?

92
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:31,000
I haven't been rubbing peanuts on my breasts.

93
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,000
I wasn't thinking...

94
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:39,000
Saying "I haven't rubbed peanuts on my breasts" sounds like I've rubbed peanuts on my breasts!

95
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:44,000
Well, if it doesn't settle down in a couple of days, or gets worse, come and see me again.

96
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,000
Great, OK, thank you so much, Doctor.

97
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:52,000
I'm sorry, just FYI, the other breast, completely normal.

98
00:05:52,000 --> 00:06:00,000
A right bobby dazzler.

99
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:07,000
Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie! Has my parcel arrived?

100
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:10,000
A depot card? "We tried to deliver, but you were out."

101
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:13,000
This is the smuggest piece of paper in the world.

102
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,000
Sorry, I had to close the shop for ten minutes just to clear customers.

103
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,000
I'm very hot and anxious, actually.

104
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:19,000
I'm like a mouse in a microwave.

105
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:24,000
Can you just get a grip, please, actually, because a depot card! All my presents. So annoying.

106
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,000
Hang on, they'll re-deliver Christmas Eve.

107
00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:29,000
In your face. Nice.

108
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:38,000
RECORDED FEMALE VOICE: 'Welcome to UPD delivery.

109
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,000
'If you would like to arrange redelivery, press 1.

110
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:45,000
'Please state when you would like the package redelivered.'

111
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:48,000
Tuesday. 'Did you say...'

112
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:50,000
MAN'S VOICE: 'Monday?' No, who are you?

113
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:53,000
'I'm sorry, we couldn't identify.'

114
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,000
Tuesday.

115
00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,000
'I'm sorry. Did you say...

116
00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,000
'Thursday?'

117
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:02,000
Tuesday.

118
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:05,000
Tuesday.

119
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:08,000
I mean, I literally can't make it any clearer.

120
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:11,000
Tuesday. You've gone too posh now.

121
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:14,000
'When would you like the package redelivered?' Toosday, innit?

122
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,000
'Did you say... Tuesday?'

123
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:21,000
Yes. 'Please confirm, did you say...

124
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:28,000
'Tuesday.' YE-ES. If it can't understand that, what is the point?! Putting you through to an operator.

125
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:33,000
WOMAN: 'Hello, UPD Delivery, can I help you?'

126
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:36,000
Yes, hello, I've been put through, but I was doing voice recognition.

127
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:41,000
'Yes, that's all fine, your parcel will be delivered tomorrow between 8am and 7pm.'

128
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:43,000
And you can't specify a time?

129
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,000
'I'm afraid we can only give you a time...'

130
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:49,000
(MIMICKING) We can only give you a period of 8am to 7pm. OK, thank you!

131
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:52,000
Do you think they get trained in those phone voices?

132
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:56,000
Why is it you never meet anyone in real life who speaks like that? You always hear it at spas, don't you?

133
00:07:56,000 --> 00:08:01,000
NASAL VOICE: Yeah. "So, you're here for a day package..." "Would you like any treatments?"

134
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:05,000
Imagine living with a voice like that. 'My husband doesn't mind.'

135
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:08,000
Oh, still there!

136
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:11,000
Mmm, I have missed your baking.

137
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,000
Right, and me? Have you missed me?

138
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:15,000
Er, nope, mainly been the cakes.

139
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,000
Of course I've missed you.

140
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:19,000
Come here.

141
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,000
Oh, are you two...

142
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:25,000
Just friends. Now listen, what time are your Mum and Dad coming to pick you up?

143
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:28,000
Any minute now. Tilly's in Mauritius, you're at yours, it's not fair.

144
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:31,000
I'm giving it one more shot to get out of it.

145
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:34,000
I can't face being irrationally irritated for three days.

146
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,000
Two-week bumper Radio Times.

147
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,000
Feel the heft of telly heaven.

148
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:42,000
What day is it? One never knows at Christmas. Thursday, I think.

149
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,000
Ah, but which Thursday?

150
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:48,000
It says Christmas Day at the top! 23rd, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day!

151
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:51,000
How clever of it. We have the same conversation every year!

152
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,000
"Feel the heft of telly heaven." "Which day is it?"

153
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,000
"One never knows at Christmas." "Which week?" It says Christmas Day!

154
00:08:56,000 --> 00:09:00,000
And tonight at the jumper party I'll be surrounded by Mum's crazy posh friends.

155
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:04,000
Last year I heard one of them say, "I take a rubber band to parties,

156
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:07,000
"slip it round my glass, I'll easily spot it on a crowded table."

157
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:09,000
SILLY LAUGH

158
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:13,000
So annoying. And Mum'll be at her worst. Come on, she's not that bad.

159
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160
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:19,000


161
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:21,000


162
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:23,000


163
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,000
Isn't it thrilly bots?

164
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:27,000
Come on, Charles.

165
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:36,000
I haven't got excited yet,

166
00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:40,000
but I'm sure it will hit me any moment.

167
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:42,000
Darling, we ought to be getting back,

168
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:48,000
because if the car temperature gauge is right, then that drizzle will turn to black ice.

169
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:49,000
Absolute death trap. Coat stand.

170
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:59,000
Mum, wait, listen. About Christmas, I've been thinking it's time I spent Christmas... Darling, darling...

171
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:03,000
I have been slaving for weeks on the Christmas chart.

172
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:08,000
I've bought enough food to last until January 19th because your father thinks we might get snowed in.

173
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:12,000
I haven't done that kind of panic-buy since Labour won the election in '97.

174
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:16,000
As of yesterday, the chart includes the perfect Boxing Day ramble,

175
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:21,000
and a root vegetable appendix section so, should I die, you'll know how to make parsnip soup.

176
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:26,000
(SOBBING) You don't realise what I do for this family.

177
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,000
OK, OK. Quick chop, then.

178
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,000
Wait, are you going out like that? No.

179
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,000
Yes!

180
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:37,000
Look - Velcro magic. Might try that on your father later.

181
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:38,000
Eugh!

182
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,000
Steady boy, steady.

183
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:44,000


184
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:48,000
Help me! Miranda! Coming! Bye.

185
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,000
Good luck.

186
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:53,000
Caroline has the spare, she'll be sharing with Minty.

187
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:56,000
Beaky's taking the fold down, and Louise wants the coach house,

188
00:10:56,000 --> 00:11:00,000
which didn't suit Minty, who likes Freddie away from Caroline.

189
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:02,000
Well, you'll need another drink then.

190
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:05,000
Which one's yours? Oh.

191
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,000
So, what are your sleeping arrangements this year?

192
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:14,000
Well, Stevie's staying in the spare room, and as usual, Miranda's on the shelf.

193
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:17,000
Such fun!

194
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:21,000
I can't cope with this. Oh, hi, Dad. Hello, darling.

195
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:26,000
I have just been watching The Planet's Funniest Animals.

196
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:31,000
Hilarious. Now, this planet has some very funny animals.

197
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:36,000
And I'm privileged to have seen the absolute funniest.

198
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:40,000
Jennifer, you remember Miranda and her friend Stevie.

199
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,000
Of course. Nibble?

200
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:45,000
Ah, Jennifer, now, did you drive?

201
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:49,000
Yes. Well, you be very careful,

202
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:53,000
because if that slush freezes,

203
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:56,000
it will turn to... Black ice.

204
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:59,000
Absolute... Death trap.

205
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:03,000
Oh, Miranda, doesn't your mother have wonderful nibbles?

206
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:06,000
Not a euphemism, I hope.

207
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:11,000
You see, no wonder she's single. Talking of which, I must see if the hunk I invited has arrived.

208
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:14,000
Oh, no. Right, that is it.

209
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:17,000
I'm giving her three strikes and we're out of here. Seriously.

210
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,000
Oh, this'll help ease the pain.

211
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:21,000
We can't start it.

212
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,000
Remove top, remove icing! She'll never know.

213
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,000
Oh, yes, there he is. Miranda...

214
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:38,000
What are you doing? Red-labelled food items are for the big day only.

215
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:42,000
Oh! Lord, I've forgotten to marzipan my cake.

216
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:46,000
Someone hasn't done a Christmas chart.

217
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,000
I presume the nuts are all right to eat, are they?

218
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,000
Now look, darling, I've spied the man I want you to meet.

219
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:55,000
Come on, shoulders back, chest out, backside in the next room.

220
00:12:56,000 --> 00:13:01,000
Miranda, Miranda, let me introduce you to... Doctor Gail.

221
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,000
Strike one.

222
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:05,000
Hello. Hello. I'll leave you to it.

223
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:15,000
Hello, sorry.

224
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:20,000
Well, this is a bit weird, isn't it? Do we have to pretend like this morning never happened?

225
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,000
It's a bit like we're having an affair.

226
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:25,000
We could have an affair.

227
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,000
Miranda, have you...

228
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,000
Ooh, hello.

229
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:33,000
Enchante. Je suis Stevie.

230
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:36,000
Bonsoir Stevie, joyeux Noelle and bonne annee.

231
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:39,000
Oui.

232
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:44,000
So, are you new to the area? Yes, I just moved here a couple of months ago from London.

233
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:46,000
In your TARDIS, Doctor?

234
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:50,000
SHE GIGGLES

235
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:54,000
Because you're a doctor, so I said your TARDIS...

236
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,000
GIGGLES

237
00:13:56,000 --> 00:14:00,000
Do you see? Cos you're a doctor! Cos you're a doctor!

238
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:02,000
Why don't you just stop? I would've if I could've.

239
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:06,000
Is that a peanut in your breasts? No. Get off!

240
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,000
Now look what you've done.

241
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:12,000
I was about to switch on the allure and he would've come to mama.

242
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:17,000
Everybody, can I have your attention? Thank you.

243
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:21,000
It's time to announce the winner of the best Christmas jumper competition.

244
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:25,000
And, for the fourth year running, it's Robert.

245
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:36,000
Ah, yes, darling, actually, while you're there, why don't you give us a song?

246
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:39,000
Strike two. Oh, no, darling, I couldn't possibly.

247
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:40,000
GUESTS BEG

248
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,000
No, no, that is not what this...

249
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:44,000
Oh, all right, then.

250
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:52,000


251
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:55,000


252
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,000


253
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:02,000


254
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,000


255
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:09,000


256
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,000


257
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:17,000


258
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,000


259
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:23,000
No, no, darling! Miranda...

260
00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:27,000
Hi, listen, we escaped. Well done.

261
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:30,000
Well, our Christmas Day booking just cancelled.

262
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:33,000
Really? Well, actually, hang on, that's a good thing.

263
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:37,000
Hello? The four of us, at mine, a non-family Christmas?

264
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:40,000
No getting up early for church. No overcooked turkey.

265
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:43,000
No naked hide-and-seek.

266
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:48,000
Wow. OK. So, shall we do it? The perfect Christmas, at mine? Let's do it.

267
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:51,000
Yay! Brilliant, OK. And I've got great gifts arriving tomorrow.

268
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:55,000
Oh, you're notoriously bad at gifts. Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.

269
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:58,000
Hi, tout le monde peepsicles.

270
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,000
Hi, Tilly, what are you doing here?

271
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:03,000
Oh, I decided not to go to Mauritius.

272
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:10,000
The parentals went but they asked Rups along, and so I thought negativos to that holibob.

273
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:14,000
Sorry, your ex-fiance has gone on "holibobs" with your parents?

274
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,000
Yup. Which is totally fine.

275
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:19,000
I'll just have a really quiet one.

276
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:22,000
Which is totally fine.

277
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,000
Could I get a massive Pinot?

278
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:28,000
Oh, bear with... Bear with...

279
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:32,000
Bear with.

280
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,000
Oh, they've landed safely.

281
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:40,000
And they're already on the beach. That's good.

282
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,000
Totally fine.

283
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:43,000
Spiffulent.

284
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:46,000
LAUGHS

285
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:55,000
Tears of joy, seriously, tears of joy.

286
00:16:56,000 --> 00:17:01,000
Listen, Tilly, we're having Christmas at mine, just the four of us. Do you want to join?

287
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:03,000
No, as I said, Kong, totally fine.

288
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:08,000
Yes, Kong, yes, I do.

289
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:10,000
Oh, ace-icles.

290
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:13,000
Oh, OK. Great, right.

291
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:17,000
Well, tomorrow night, Christmas Eve sleepover, and let the festivities begin. I'm so excited...

292
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,000


293
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:24,000


294
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:28,000
Isn't this jolly? I want you. OK...

295
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:32,000
"I'm sorry we can only specify 8am to 7pm for your delivery."

296
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:37,000
Mind you, I'd rather sit in for 11 hours than deal with Christmas Eve shopping hell. Enjoy.

297
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:41,000
Now, are you sure you're going to be OK, yes? You will make Heather proud?

298
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:43,000


299
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:48,000


300
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,000
We're not open yet.

301
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:55,000
Bye.

302
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:03,000
Ooh, my goodness. OK, hello, everybody.

303
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:07,000
Anyone from UPD delivery? No? OK, carry on. Would you like that gift wrapped?

304
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,000
Yes, please. You would. OK.

305
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,000
Really bad at gift wrapping.

306
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:27,000
Right, that's 14.99. Thank you, madam. Would you like that, um, gift wrapped?

307
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,000
You would? OK, right.

308
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:35,000
Oh, hang on, hang on, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, sir.

309
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:38,000
Are you from UPD delivery? No. You're not. OK, fine, as you were.

310
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:43,000
There you go, thank you. Next.

311
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:47,000
Excuse me, excuse me. Are you from UPD delivery? Oh, no, it's you, sorry, you were leaving. So sorry.

312
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,000
Getting in to a bit of a state!

313
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:54,000
Just have it, please. Have it. Take it. Next. Go. Thank you.

314
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,000
Are you from UPD... No, that's you leaving. Fine.

315
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,000
Are you from UPD?

316
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:00,000
No, browse, browse.

317
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:04,000
I thought you were UPD. You can't leave, carol singers.

318
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,000
I need to leave. Well, you can't.

319
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,000
Sorry, get down, get down. Hide.

320
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:10,000
Carol singers. Where are you going?

321
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,000
I said you can't leave.

322
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:15,000
Carol singers. We've got to hide. Get down.

323
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:19,000
I will not have my perfect Christmas ruined by standing awkwardly in front of a group of people

324
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:22,000
whose singing ability is inversely proportional to their enthusiasm.

325
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,000
OK, shush, stay there.

326
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:30,000
I said get down! Shush.

327
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,000
KNOCKING

328
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:33,000
SINGING IN DISTANCE

329
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,000
No!

330
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,000
Depot card!

331
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:47,000


332
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:50,000


333
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:53,000


334
00:19:53,000 --> 00:20:01,000


335
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,000


336
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:08,000


337
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:11,000


338
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:16,000


339
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:21,000
Hello.

340
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:25,000
Hello. All right, Stan? Don't look so glum, I'll be out in five years.

341
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:31,000
Because it's a bit like a prison divider. No? All right. As you wish.

342
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,000
You have a parcel for me.

343
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:44,000
Yeah, your parcel's not here. It takes 24 hours for the packages to be returned to the depot.

344
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,000
24 hours? Where does it...?

345
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:54,000
Where does it say that? It doesn't say that. Where does it say that? It says it there.

346
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:58,000
OK, fine. Could you please just check in case it's come back?

347
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:04,000
Next. Oh, now, come on, it's all my presents, Ray.

348
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:07,000
I've got a gift for Gary, and he doesn't believe I've got presents!

349
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:10,000
I know you don't know him, Ray, but that's not the point, is it?

350
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:13,000
Ooh, hasn't he got a lovely package?

351
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,000
How is that not funny, Ray?

352
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:19,000
It's a classic.

353
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:22,000
Sorry to rant. I'm just a little overexcited.

354
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:26,000
I'm spending Christmas with friends for the first time. I bet you've got lovely plans?

355
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:28,000
No, I'm on my own, my wife just left me.

356
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:30,000
Sorry.

357
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:35,000
Did she leave a card so you can collect her later?

358
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:39,000
Now, is the van likely to come back?

359
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:44,000
Yeah, the driver will be coming back cos it's my van, I was off work this morning, my hip...

360
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:49,000
Can I stop you there, Ray? And I'll tell you for why - I'm not interested.

361
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:52,000
Thank you. Now, can I wait for the van?

362
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,000
No, we're closing now. I'm closing. Goodbye.

363
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:59,000
No, Ray, that's not fair, it's Christmas. Can you actually... Get out, get out of there!

364
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,000
X Factor.

365
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:04,000
Conveyor belt of some kind.

366
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:10,000
No dancing prayer? No dancing prayer?! What's that?

367
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:15,000
Hey guys, when Stevie went to the loo, we had a look at her charade card.

368
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,000
'No Sex Please, We're British'.

369
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,000
We put it back and made a pact never to guess it.

370
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:24,000
It's very funny, and taking my mind off the depot debacle.

371
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:27,000
Oh, I know, I know, I know.

372
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,000
What's the second word again?

373
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,000
Pumping? Drilling?

374
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:34,000
Ski Sunday.

375
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:38,000
Dancercise. Hula hoop.

376
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:39,000
Hula hula hoop!

377
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:43,000
Titanic!

378
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:46,000
Have you really got no idea?

379
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:51,000
ALL: Er...No Sex Please, We're British!

380
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:54,000
That's hilarious.

381
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:58,000
That is quite hilarious, isn't it?

382
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:01,000
Right, is it time to wend our way to the kingdom of Beddybyes?

383
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,000
So, I have made up my room in to a guest room

384
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:07,000
with a futon on floor, and someone can share the sofa bed with me. Bagsy not me!

385
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,000
Why? Wind. Good luck, Gary.

386
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:16,000
Just go and brush my teeth.

387
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:18,000
OK, sure.

388
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:23,000
I know we're just friends, but it's so awkward sharing a bed.

389
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:26,000
Right, now, the question is, do I take my bra off?

390
00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:31,000
Because then in the morning, there'll be two jellies sliding down a plate look.

391
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:34,000
That's the only trouble. No, I'd better put my bra on.

392
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:36,000
No, but then he'll see me wearing a bra in bed and that'd look odd.

393
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:40,000
No, I'm going no bra. And let's hope when I turn over I don't do the breast clap.

394
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:45,000
Right. OK, now.... Ooh! Morning breath.

395
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:48,000
Should I set an alarm at five and suck a mint? Maybe.

396
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:51,000
What happens if my pyjamas ride up...or down, cos they do that.

397
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:55,000
Right, stop panicking, take bra off and act casual.

398
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:07,000
Hello. Hi.

399
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:08,000
Wow.

400
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,000
So, um,

401
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:14,000
are you going to budge up?

402
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,000
I like being on the left.

403
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:17,000
Right, OK.

404
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:32,000
Ooh... Cold bed dance? Yep.

405
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:36,000
That's better.

406
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:41,000
This is going to be a great Christmas. And you know what?

407
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:46,000
Don't worry about a present, because I have the best present I could have - I've got my friend back.

408
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,000
Ah, really?

409
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,000
No! Where's my present, you bitch?

410
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,000
Night. Night.

411
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:02,000
BREAST CLAP

412
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:06,000
What was that?

413
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:09,000
It was a duck quacking.

414
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,000
A duck? Quacking, yeah.

415
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:19,000
Hey, happy Christmas! So who wants breakfast?

416
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:24,000
I might have a mince pie for breakfast. Why not? I'm going to save mine for the Queen's speech.

417
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:26,000
I might have mine instead of Xmas pudulant.

418
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:29,000
We can do exactly what we want. Oh, do we have to wear a hat?

419
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:33,000
No, you don't have to wear a hat. But also, you could wear a hat.

420
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:36,000
Welcome to Miranda-mas!

421
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:40,000
THEY HUM: "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday"

422
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:42,000
This is so great, I just love it!

423
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:49,000
This is going to be the perfect Christmas.

424
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:50,000
Release!

425
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:54,000
Gary, what are you doing? You're ruining the turkey.

426
00:25:54,000 --> 00:26:00,000
You said you had a fan oven! If I don't cut it up, it won't cook! I need it on Chanel number four now!

427
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:03,000
Tilly, you're very selfish! I'm not a chef, am I? Obviously!

428
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:08,000
Can you keep it down, please?! Miranda, Clive just pulled my cracker!

429
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:11,000
Well, I am sure he didn't mean to. I did mean to. Clive Evans!

430
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:14,000
I'll pull my own cracker. I bet you're used to that.

431
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:16,000
Stevie Sutton! That's unacceptable.

432
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:19,000
Honestly. Gary, this is hopeless.

433
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:21,000
Stevie wants to eat at three, when Clive wants a walk,

434
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:24,000
everyone wants crackers at different times. Well, plan. Make a chart.

435
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:29,000
Don't! We might as well be at Mum's. Oh, yeah? And what's Christmas day like at your Mum's? Really good.

436
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:31,000
Stevie!

437
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:39,000
This isn't working, is it? No. Don't tell the others. Let's go to Mum's. Yes.

438
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:44,000
What's going on? Shhh. Don't tell the others, we're going to go to Mum's. Right, OK.

439
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:48,000
What's happening? Shush, don't tell the others, we're going to go to Mum's.

440
00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:53,000
What are you doing? Shush. Don't tell the others, we're going to Mum's.

441
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:56,000
Why am I whispering? This is all of us.

442
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:58,000
Let's go.

443
00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:03,000
O-o-o-o-o-h!

444
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:04,000
Oh!

445
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:06,000
MUM: Right,

446
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:10,000
Mr Turkey will be ready in half an hour.

447
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:15,000
Are you sure you've got enough for us all, Pen Pen? Of course! I knew Miranda would be back.

448
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:17,000
I have the perfect Christmas.

449
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:18,000
DOORBELL

450
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:21,000
Oh, oh. Lonely straggler alert.

451
00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:23,000
Everybody, this is Ray,

452
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:26,000
Oh, no. Used to be our postman.

453
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:28,000
Hello, Ray. Hello.

454
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:32,000
Hope I'm not too late. Not at all, you said you'd be here between three and four.

455
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:36,000
And you couldn't you be more specific, Ray? Hang on, Ray, how's your hip?

456
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:39,000
Did you bring your van? Yes.

457
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:42,000
Could I have my parcel? All my presents!

458
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:45,000
Well, it's against protocol, but, uh...

459
00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:49,000
Well, it'd be a pleasure. Ah, lovely Ray.

460
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,000
THEY SQUEAL

461
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:57,000
Oh, isn't this lovely! TOY: Ho, ho, ho!

462
00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:59,000
ALL: Such fun.

463
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:02,000
Come on, everybody.

464
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,000
It's gorgeous, thank you.

465
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:09,000
Merry Christmas. Happy Christmas.

466
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,000
What a lovely ending.

467
00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:20,000


468
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:24,000


469
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:27,000


470
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:29,000


471
00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:32,000


472
00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:34,000


473
00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:40,000


474
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:42,000


475
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:44,000


476
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:47,000


477
00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:50,000


478
00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:52,000


479
00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:59,000


9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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